All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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