so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just found a bag of teeth...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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