you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
its liver damage thursday
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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