a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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