can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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