I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
