Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
