Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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