i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How's work?
Spinning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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