oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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