I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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