I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
