I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
