I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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