I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
