so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize