so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
