Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Your cock deserves a montage
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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