I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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