that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize