Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
