it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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