my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
