i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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