The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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