please come you make the beer taste better
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
