So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
