oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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