oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
