I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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