and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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