i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
