Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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