someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
