I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
