Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
