What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize