Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
