She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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