shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
