I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
