I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
