everyone is single if you try hard enough
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
