I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
