if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
