Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
