My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
