I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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