I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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