I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
