Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
