The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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