You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
