So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
