i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
