I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
