Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize