Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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